


I Like Everything

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Fingering, Poofing, also i wrote piv why do i keep doing that, potential abuse/dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 06:10:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11800047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Yellow aimed to satisfy her diamond, always and forever, everyone knew that. She was fake as shit, but she was good at it. It wasn’t particularly abnormal that sometimes, Yellow needed to serve in a more personal way than in court and with flattery.In moments like this, they didn’t bother with pleasantries. Yellow Diamond didn’t want that. She didn’t just want devotion and loyalty, she expected it.--Blue and Yellow try to cope with the diamonds knowing about their relationship and with certain things not being functional/healthy for either of them anymore.





	I Like Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Request for a friend and came out pretty angsty, but I don't think she'll mind :') 
> 
> **The YD/YZ stuff is not intended to be nonconsensual, but I put that warning in case it might read that way for anyone.

She couldn’t help the urges that overcame her, the fact that she liked this. Her diamond wanting her like a common pearl, to touch her and please her. Disgusting, honestly. But allowing it was, of course, justifiable.

This was a necessity.

This could happen to any gem in her court worthy of attention; it was nothing remarkable, just an indication that Yellow Zircon was doing her job well and should continue to. Yellow was more than willing to please her diamond, because for her, good behavior made her organic-like relationship with Blue more excusable, should they ever be found out. The two zircons did everything they could to maintain their status, least of which was publicly establish themselves as rivals. 

There was a part of her mind that started to crave her diamond, tiny compliments and affirmations that she was doing the right thing, and the feeling, the sensation that shamefully- well, not use dwelling on it. No use ever acknowledging that part of her that needed it almost as much as she needed Blue.

It was below her to genuinely enjoy it, of course. To enjoy things she didn’t ask for, things that happened not out of care but out of want. She was sappy now. Blue Zircon could flatten her like a pancake and she’d get butterflies, but even a gentle touch from her diamond was just a bit repulsive in theory.

But Yellow aimed to satisfy her diamond, always and forever, everyone knew that. She was fake as shit, but she was good at it. It wasn’t particularly abnormal that sometimes, Yellow needed to serve in a more personal way than in court and with flattery.

In moments like this, they didn’t bother with pleasantries. Yellow Diamond didn’t want that. She didn’t just want devotion and loyalty, she expected it.

To her, Yellow Zircon was possibly an ideal candidate because of the flattery she laid on her diamond at every opening. Or maybe she knew it was all a ruse. Or maybe she didn’t, but she didn’t find it genuine or tasteful. Did it matter? Yellow had stopped trying to understand her diamond centuries ago. Whether or not this was a reward or punishment, or something in between, it was a necessity. 

Her gloves were off, and the pad of her large middle finger rubbed against the zircon’s clothed vulva. She was wet, very wet, and Yellow Diamond liked that. Though she wouldn’t show it, ever.

“Phase it all away,” she said, and Yellow did, her cravat, vest, and undersuit disappearing in seconds. “Good girl.”  
  
The zircon whimpered, twisting on Yellow’s hand, and her diamond smiled at her.

“So good, are you like this for your little blue girlfriend?” Yellow jerked her hips against her diamond’s finger suddenly, staring at her eyes like a deer caught in headlights.  
  
“W-What?” she stammered. How could she know about what she did with Blue Zircon? Kissing, fucking, sometimes fusing, but try they tried not to. No one could know they associated beyond their roles, that they touched each other and had some kind of positive thing that other gems didn’t seem to have. That she loved her, maybe, if what she read about love in the case files and colonization records was true.

Her diamond kept moving her finger against her, and it wasn’t helping that it reminded her so much of Blue’s thigh, so solid, warm, and familiar against her. A comfort. Yellow shuttered, and rutted against Yellow Diamond in apology.

 _Take it in stride._ “Of course, nothing could ever compare to you, my diamond… she’s just a plaything, of course.” She sounded nervous and stupid. She was nervous and stupid, right now at least.

“That seems improper,” Yellow Diamond said dryly, her finger making a wet, lewd noise against the zircon.

 _Convince her._ “Not only is she just as worthless as me, how could a gem be weak enough to care for another. Love?!”She was trying too hard. Yellow looked unimpressed with her. _Bad. Bad._

“My diamond, I’d never-” she panted as Yellow’s fingers pressed hard against her clit, completely covering her public mound- “stoop as low as an organic!”

“Hmph.” Yellow Diamond slowly dragged her finger across Yellow Zircon’s vulva. She was always so _strong_ , so hard and rough, this night would likely end like most.

“I’ll buy it, freak. But don’t get caught fusing or fucking. And hide it better,” she said offhandedly. “Neither of you are good actors. You especially. Don’t embarrass me, or I’ll have to shatter you.”

Yellow didn’t know how to react to this, but she didn’t have to, because it was time. 

Yellow Diamond began to press into her, forcing herself into a too-small hole. She liked it with minimal shapeshifting, liked seeing how her zircon reacted and feeling her tight and stretched all around her. Sometimes she told her, casually, as it happened. Or she’d make a little noise, and Yellow would take that bizarre experience as a sign she was doing it right.

The enjoyment was there for sure, it came out of what was happening now. Yellow felt like she was going to split in two, her diamond’s blunt finger pushing into her, painfully stretching her soaking entrance. She was as loose as she could be without prior stimulation and painfully turned on, but this was sheer agony.  
  
Yellow Diamond didn’t care. Or she did, but not in exactly the same way, say, Blue Zircon might. She smiled at Yellow like she knew that the zircon was thinking. Cruel. Cold. Empty. _I was hoping she’d shatter me_ , Yellow Zircon thought to herself, but took it back when she looked at that smile again.

There was something small about her even though she was so fucking huge, Yellow thought again as the burning pain hit her, tearing through her as her diamond finally entered. There was probably blood, tearing, all sorts of things Yellow didn’t want to think about. She stifled a moan, because just knowing it was there made her heart burst.    
  
“You’re not going to cry like a little baby tonight?” Yellow Diamond turned her finger just an inch, and the adjustment was hell. She wasn’t about to go slowly, and the pressure on Yellow Zircon’s form increased when the diamond began to push again. It was unbearable, the ache and the weird good feelings in her chest and head and stomach, it was so much like Blue’s fist inside her even though stars, it wasn’t at all. She panted heavily, gasping and whining and fighting not to be a complete mess. Luckily, it was just a matter of how long she would last.

A genuine smile graced the diamond’s face, something feral in her eyes. “I want to hear you...”

Something felt off to the zircon, and she looked at Yellow Diamond’s face carefully, the unease probably visible on hers.

The diamond was in her element. “Beg me to stop.”

“M-My diamond…” Yellow stammered.

“I’m ruining you for Blue Zircon, hmmm?”

She was almost down to the first joint, just the end of her finger but the thickest thing Yellow would ever take. She was shaking with fear and with pain, her mind in a fog.

She could whimper and moan, but she always did. She could say something?  
  
Yellow opened her eyes, gripping the diamond’s nearest free fingers while she was sinking down further on her middle one. 

“It hurts, my diamond.” 

The diamond leered, and Yellow’s cunt pulsated around her finger. She couldn’t help being a slut, needy and compliant; she was bad, and she knew that mentally, ethically, logically, she hated this. So it was okay, and Blue was never mad at her, so that was okay.    
  
Something about the pain and fear and shame felt so good she could poof, it was so intense and warm. But at the same time, it all hurt too much, and she wanted it to stop. It wasn’t like with Blue. There was no sweetness here, none at all.

Could she articulate that without getting shattered?

Could she make it hurt less? Feel good like with someone who loved her like Blue did?

“Please…” she breathed, her breath hitching and her body doubling over when she got to the slight bump of the joint. “My diamond, please… it hurts so much, I don’t want this.” She started crying, and her grip on Yellow’s hand tightened. She was so small compared to this giant, this god. Why did she want this? What did she want from a zircon?

Yellow Zircon practically yelled as she passed the joint. It was too fast, maybe, but the worst was over. This part was faster, this part felt pretty fucking good.   
  
And her diamond looked pleased, so that was good, right? _Please tell me I did the right thing._

“You’re scum to me, you little bitch.” The diamond smiled again, so dark and scary and her face filled with something almost reminiscent of the one she composed while watching her zircon win an argument in court: maybe pride?

Yellow flushed, and her eyes rolled back in her head when the diamond pushed hard in her. She took her too fast and hard and _much_ , and her form couldn’t handle it, it was agony as she felt it dissipate around… pitiful, just past the midpoint of Yellow Diamond’s finger? 

The finger was buried inside the zircon, and it hurt so much. It pushed everything everywhere and was the only thing Yellow sensed as her body fell apart. She didn’t orgasm. Yellow Diamond obviously didn’t either. But this moment was nearly better than that, anything two gems could do, really. This was a different sort of exchange, a chance for a servant to prove to the diamond just how loyal and compliant she could be.  

Zircon just wanted to serve her well.

She fell, the square yellow gem clattering to the floor.

Yellow Diamond summoned a cloth to wipe her finger clean before phasing it away, and picked up the yellow gem on the ground. No cracks. 

 _Good_ , Yellow told herself, because this one was pretty good. She probably got the point across, and it was enjoyable as usual. Yellow Diamond wearily sat down and rubbed the gem gently.

“Good girl,” she said, barely remembering how much the zircon liked hearing that when she was able to.

She’d have the rock dropped off in the zircon wing, that pitiful Blue Zircon would sooth her, and she’d have a perfectly functional and not at all defective prosecutor. Most importantly, Blue Diamond would stop mentioning this to her. Maybe she did a better job with the zircon she was responsible for, but probably not. 

\--

Yellow Zircon reformed back in the zircon quarters, in front of Blue, who was reading files for her next case. Blue didn’t look up as Yellow’s hundreds of forms flashed in front of her, but she wearily turned to look after Yellow reformed, curled up into a fetal position on the floor.

Blue pushed her tablets aside as she leaned over her rival. Partner. Whatever.  
  
This was normal, she was looking for any huge deviations in her appearance modifiers or hair. A little sharper angles than usual, and her cravat seemed stiffer… nothing she’d have to repoof her over.

“Her pearl brought you to me, as usual,” Blue said. “All you yellow gems are such insufferable sycophants.”

Not that type of statement did any good anymore. It used to be playful mocking, now it was too true.

Or rather, it used to be useful for them, now it was just fucking painful. Blue didn’t like that kinda stuff anymore, and she assumed the same of Yellow.  

Yellow made a little groany noise, maybe remembering that the pearl existed or maybe at memories and lingering pain from her meeting with Yellow Diamond. 

It wasn’t the end of the world, it never was. This was just what she did, and it seemed to work for her. Still, that didn’t stop Blue from letting her tablets dissipate, leaning over Yellow, and gently placing her hands on her sides as the gem slowly uncurled herself.

“She seemed angry tonight, or something,” Yellow said, her voice small. She always seemed so soft in moments like this.

To Blue, it was all unnerving. The diamonds were so unpredictable, so uncontrollable.

“I mean… They know, Yellow.”

A pause. “Yeah… she mentioned you… but it wasn’t… it wasn’t as bad as it could-”

“We’re valuable to them,” Blue said shortly, squeezing Yellow for a second before remembering that tonight, she had to be especially gentle. With her form, with her head. “Blue Diamond told me off. It was like a nightmare. But we’re valuable, Yellow. We just… can’t fuck anything up.”

“Ever,” Yellow whispered, rolling onto her back and reaching up to Blue as Blue leaned down to kiss her firmly on the lips.

Blue looked at Yellow for a moment when they pulled apart, them softly said, “Tell me about what she said to you.”  
  
“They’ll kill one of us… or both of us…” Yellow said. “My Diamond... she wanted me hurt, she wanted to see me weak for her… she likes knowing it’s bad.” Blue put a hand on Yellow’s face, staring her in the eye. “She normally lets me pretend it’s normal,” Yellow said, quiet. She clenched her teeth and went on, “It’s so much worse when she insults me.”

Remembering she was supposed to be comforting right now, Blue wrapped her arms around Yellow. She just couldn’t stop shaking, letting the bizarre memories of praise and insults from her own diamond was over her. So Yellow had gotten the same treatment, just horrifyingly worse as usual… Zircons weren’t special. Maybe this wasn’t exactly a shatterable type of offense, but still, their rank wasn’t anything to other gems in their court. They could be terrorized or tried for sure.

“Blue,” Yellow said. “They’re so much stronger than us. They’re better than us in every way.” 

“They’re smarter than us…” Blue said, resting her chin on Yellow’s head.

“Why do they want anything from us beyond-”

“I don't know,” Blue said. Now wasn’t the place for her to get angry, but Yellow didn’t need her diamond poofing her just for fun, or really, some disgusting way to establish dominance when it was already pretty fucking well-established.

 _Don’t think about it. No point in being angry_. Blue held on tight to Yellow, and Yellow whispered into her chest, “I thought she was going to shatter me tonight. Maybe she wants to, I don’t know…” Blue didn’t want to talk about this. But if Yellow needed to, all she could give was a warm embrace, affection, something strong but loving and attentive, more than a diamond or superior could ever offer to Yellow. “Blue, when you hurt me, and you say mean things… you’re always so sweet about it, I can tell you love me. 

“My diamond doesn’t love… she doesn’t think we do, either… no one could understand this.” Blue clenched her jaw at that. She was so exhausted, everything from the stupid knowing look on Yellow Pearl’s face when she dropped the gem off to the fear and pain radiating from Yellow Zircon to the cruel and quietly enraged calm of her own diamond wore her down to her very gem.

Not to mention the nuance to this, the complex view the diamonds apparently had of their subjects and the zircons in particular that she wished wasn’t so essential for her to pin down. She could barely understand what she herself had with Yellow either, and Blue wasn’t going to try to think about how smug all of the yellow court was about how her zircon was being treated by Yellow Diamond. And how repulsed the other zircons seemed to be with them, not even knowing that they were together, but that they would be reprimanded directly by the diamonds and act so unprofessional in their interactions. It shouldn’t have been so hard, pretending to be normal.

But the diamonds knew. And in spite of everything, something was changing for Yellow, for sure.

Tonight was scary, and she felt weaker than usual. Powerless and soft, and she wanted Blue to know. Yellow squirmed.

“I wanna get off,” she said in the soft voice she’d been using with Blue all night.

Blue was still holding her, but didn’t move.

“I know you don’t wanna touch me. She said…” Yellow stopped.  
  
“What?” Blue said sharply. 

Yellow was sore, her head was fuzzy. As a prosecutor, now wasn’t the time for defensiveness, it never was. “I want you in me, you never even want to fuck me. It’s because of her, right?” 

“No! I-” Blue stopped herself. She closed her eyes. She didn’t want to say anything stupid, anything that would make Yellow blame herself. “I don’t want to hurt you, you’re more than… whatever she thinks of you. But I want you to feel good, I want you to be happy,” Blue said, earnest. “You know I love you.”

Maybe that wasn’t the best answer, but Yellow was tired and didn’t even know what she had wanted to hear.

They had always tried pretty hard to avoid the world “love,” even though it felt so good to use. Now could be different, Blue holding Yellow tight, leaning over her like she was protecting her. 

“I love you too,” Yellow said, and she meant it. What she had with Blue was so special, and it felt good. It was worth it; it was worth anything the diamonds had in store for them. Right?

“Yellow, I do want to touch you,” Blue said, her voice low. “But I don’t want to be like her. I want you to like it. I want you to get off, I want you to know I love you.”

“I will,” Yellow breathed, digging her fingers into Blue’s hair. “You know I love everything you do… and I’m apathetic about her… beyond how badly she wants me to hate it.” _As if a gem she wouldn’t destroy is allowed to express distaste with her_ , Yellow thought to herself.

Blue held back a shudder before saying, “I don’t want it to be like with her. I feel good when I’m touching you, I don’t look at you like a thing to hurt, I want you-”  
  
“I know,” Yellow said, “that’s why I like being with you, you always make sure I know that I matter to you. And it’s _you_ , not something I have to do.” She phased her clothes off, and Blue nearly dropped her. 

She bit her lip. “I’m not… it’s not that I think… fuck, I’m sorry, Yellow… We should have been talking about this before. I thought you wanted me to be more gentle, to try to counteract what she does, I don’t know. I’m so scared of continuing it, keeping you from-” She stopped herself. “Just. Tell me what you want. I need to see you happy.” Blue ran a hand down Yellow’s back and squeezed her gently, staring at her.  
  
“Fuck me, Blue… I’m not pretending like this will erase the rest, but… I want to feel good. I want you even on bad days.”

“I don’t want it to hurt you, like really hurt…”

“That’s enough to set you apart,” Yellow said, squirming slightly as Blue ran her hand down her stomach.

“Okay,” Blue said, resting her hand on Yellow’s public mound. “Just remember, you can tell me, you can always tell me if you don’t like something I’m-”

 “Just fuck me?” Yellow’s voice was thin. There were a billion things she wished Blue would stop doing, but they didn’t matter right now as the defense zircon eased a finger into her, staring.  
  
“Tell me if it hurts.”

“She’s like 50 times bigger than you, Blue, I think I’ll be okay,” Yellow said, before gasping as Blue hooked a finger and rubbed against her g-stop.  
  
“Okay…” Blue said, and added another finger. 

 _But what about you?_ Yellow wanted to ask, Blue massaging her and staring at her with that adorable face she made when she was turned on but focusing hard. She didn’t want to ask. It wasn’t like they could do anything to make it better. 

Yellow knew all of this took a toll on Blue, and it took a toll on their relationship. She knew Blue was stressed all the time, and there was little she could do to ease it. She knew Blue kept mysteriously poofing after meeting with her diamond, and it wasn’t similar to her situation, not at all. Or maybe it was, a bit. Yellow was punishing herself at this point by not stopping it, by not letting herself be shattered. 

But Blue punished herself worse than anyone. The little changes in her cravat, her hair, her vest. Maybe having to witness this, taking care of Yellow or having to poof her, on top of being reprimanded directly by a diamond for her behavior and for the shitty job they had done hiding themselves was really taking a toll on her. They thought it would be irrelevant, or they’d be punished differently. And it was much worse, ultimately.  
  
Blue was fucking Yellow with three fingers now and relishing the soft, wet flesh, more receptive to her than any other part of the yellow gem. “I love you, I really love you,” Blue said, before leaning down and sucking on one of Yellow’s nipples.

Yellow arched her back and moaned, and Blue pushed in hard before pulling out suddenly. Yellow bucked against nothing, staring at Blue as she pulled back from her chest. She was smiling and grabbing at her own crotch. “I want you in me,” Yellow breathed, needy, and Blue just nodded, positioning herself.

“Ready-”

“In!” Yellow said, desperate. She grabbed Blue hard, her breath hitching at Blue’s dick entered her pussy. 

“Stars, you’re so fucking wet,” Blue breathed. “And warm…” her pace increased, and she stared Yellow in the eyes as she fucked her hard. “I love you.” 

“I...” Yellow closed her eyes. “Yeah, I love you too.” She was so full, glowing from attention and sensation. Blue made her feel so good.

And sore. It wasn’t bad per se, but it was enough to remind her of what had happened only hours before. And she didn’t want to open her eyes and see the look on Blue’s face. Blue knew, she knew everything, and she was right about everything. 

But Yellow didn’t want to _stop_. She didn’t want Blue to know how bad everything was, but she already did, so what was the point?

The point. Blue loved her. The zircon’s dick was inside her, her hands gentle on Yellow’s body, her noises like music to Yellow’s ears. Of course there was a point to this, how Blue made everything feel so good, how she always made the world and every problem go away, even at the beginning, when they were just a prosecutor and defense zircon messing around, nearly insignificant. Now, it was something, and the way she forgave everything, all the time, and the sweetness in how she handled someone who was supposed to be her rival broke Yellow’s heart it felt so good.

She was so intentional, and strong, everything from pain to the softest teasing touch was so loving, like nothing Yellow could find in another gem. She felt safe with Blue’s weight on her, and knowing in this moment, it was just the two of them.  
  
“You feel really good,” Yellow said, not much more than a whimper, and Blue’s hips stuttered against her. Yellow opened her eyes, practically choking at the sweet smile on the blue gem’s face.

Was Blue crying? It was hard to tell, even when she leaned over Yellow and said, “You’re beautiful,” and cupped Yellow’s face, kissing her firmly and pulling back to stare at her as she reamed her.

_Fuck._

“More, Blue,” Yellow moaned, jerking her hips to meet Blue’s.

“Okay. Okay,” Blue said, more to herself than Yellow, but she looked at her again, constantly checking in, as she increased the pace. “Okay?”

Yellow felt herself straining, felt the familiar ache and pressure on her cervix but with none of the terror. 

“So g-good, Blue,” she said, letting her head fall back. She knew that Blue loved her, that she would keep her safe. And it was crazy, but Blue always wanted Yellow to feel good.

In spite of that, there was a feeling in her chest that was eating at her. Anxiety, maybe. It would go away soon, if only for a short while.

Blue’s thumb went to Yellow’s clit, and she smiled at the way Yellow jerked against her. _Nothing like Yellow Diamond. Nothing_ , Yellow thought, fucking herself against Blue.

She couldn’t handle the way Blue’s dick felt in her, her fingers rubbing at her, and she didn’t have to say anything when she came, just let Blue bring herself to completion and thrust into her a few times before releasing herself.

Blue pulled out nearly as quickly as she came, phasing away her dick as it softened and scooping out bluish cum from Yellow’s opening. Wordlessly, she brought her hand to Yellow’s mouth, staring as she cleaned her fingers.  
  
With her free hand, Blue rubbed at Yellow absentmindedly. _Yellow Diamond would neve_ r, Yellow told herself unnecessarily, the taste of her partner’s cum in her mouth and the sight of her gentle smile making Yellow’s face burn.

It wasn’t like either of them had ever climaxed, there wasn’t anything sensual about their interactions, really. There was no love at all, it was just terrifying and gross, and most of all, it scared Yellow to know she liked it. Maybe that was the intent.

The more nervous Blue got about everything, the more Yellow realized how scary whatever she was doing with her diamond really was.  
  
She could be shattered, or worse. Whatever was happening was unknown, foreign, and neither zircon had much control over it.

And it hurt worse than Yellow wanted to admit. She was scared of what she liked, but more scared that she hated it, that she hated her diamond, maybe she even hated being with Blue if it meant she was bad enough to get attention from a diamond like this. 

Yellow wrapped her hand around Blue’s wrist and kissed her fingertips, looking at her. “It’s worth it,” she said, softly, and Blue wiped her hand on Yellow’s stomach.  
  
“I hope so, baby.” She moved to Yellow’s side and leaned in close, her breath hot on Yellow’s face. Blue _had_ been crying, but just a little. “I’m so lucky to have you. That we have this.”

She kissed Yellow, lighter than usual, and her face was scrunched up when she pulled back to look at her.

“Please don’t cry,” Yellow said, and Blue’s grip on her tightened, her thumb brushing Yellow’s cheek as she processed the request.

“Of course.” Blue took a breath. “I’m sorry.” Yellow looked away. “It shouldn’t have to be like this. I shouldn’t have ever…”  
  
“It’s not like it’s just you, Blue. I wanted you back, I always have.” Yellow’s voice dropped. “And nothing could stop Yellow Diamond. She doesn’t care about me because of you, it’s random gems in her court. Just like how Blue rages at you…”  
  
“That’s not comparable,” Blue said shortly.

Yellow clenched her jaw. “I don’t know… I don’t know that I believe that.” She grabbed Blue’s cravat, stretching it out. “A full centimeter longer this time.” She looked up; Blue was averting her eyes. “Why do you think I wouldn’t notice something like that?”  

“It’s nothing…”

Yellow let go, but didn’t move. “So I should just drop it, like it’s nothing? Like the time I reformed with fucked up hair and asked you to poof me, you were crying when I came back!”

“It _is_ nothing,” Blue said, an edge to her voice. “Why can’t you be worried about yourself, Yellow?”

Blue flinched at the strangled noise of frustration Yellow made. “ _Everyone_ is terrified of your diamond. Yellow hurts us, but she’s not malicious. Blue could have us shattered on a whim, because she thinks we’re defective or useless. I’m keeping Yellow as happy as I can, maybe that will help! It’s not an issue!”

“Of course it’s an issue!”

Yellow recoiled this time, and Blue nearly started crying again.  
  
“It’s an issue that we were so dumb that the diamonds have seen through us all along. Everything is an issue. They shouldn’t be speaking with us, or touching us, we’re just zircons! This has escalated, this has gone so much farther than it ever should have-” 

“Stop, Blue.” Yellow put her arms around her and whispered, “You’re too loud.”

 Blue clenched her teeth, sinking into Yellow’s embrace.  
  
“I’m scared, Yellow.”

“I know,” she said. “But… pretend it’s okay. We’re together.” She took a breath. “It’s okay when we’re together.” 

She was never convincing as Blue was, but tonight wasn’t the night for Blue to be strong, as much as she had wanted it to be.

Yellow was strong. Yellow always was, even when Blue was in charge. Right? Power was all about what Yellow had given to her, and they both knew that. Even now, holding each other, the zircons knew who held their fate in their hands, they always would.

“I feel so bad,” Blue said quietly. “It shouldn’t be you who has to deal with her like that.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter. It’s not like I’m getting the short end of the stick, Blue…” Maybe in court she was. She was acting playful, watching Blue fall apart on cue, but it was all calculated and so hard under the diamonds’ watchful eyes, all of gemkind evaluating them and judging them, regardless of the extent of what they knew. Nothing would be enough to keep the zircons safe forever.  
  
They knew that. Or, they silently knew that, and Blue hated it more than anything. “You’re so good, Yellow. You’re so good to me, everything you do…” She started crying again.

“Come on, Blue, we have work to do…” It wasn’t like it was uncomfortable, but Yellow’s chest hurt almost as much as her head at this point.

They stayed there until Blue stopped, her body stilling, and said, “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I thought I could distract you from all this when all I do is make it worse.”

“It’s fine… just stop, we don’t need to talk about it,” Yellow said.

This felt so _performative_ to Yellow, when it would be far easier for both of them if they just fucked and bit and scratched at each other in silence, exchanged empty threats and words of comfort, and pretended it was normal and the diamonds were as uncontrollable a threat as they probably were. It had escalated and distorted with time, though, of course it had. Yellow knew Blue was her own gem, and she couldn’t control how everything affected her. But it hurt, Blue preferred to act like only Yellow ever suffered, like Yellow’s comfort and happiness was what was at stake.

“We don’t need to talk about it,” she repeated. Blue grimaced.

“Don’t we?! I can’t _not_ think about this when I’m touching you just like she does.”

“Blue, for the last time, it’s nothing like her! She doesn’t love me, I’m just a servant she uses like that to make sure I’m adequately terrified! It’s not romantic or sexual, I mean I, I’m serving her, somehow, and it feels good in a weird way. Blue, it’s so good sometimes, but it’s not good, it’s not like anything I’d do with you.”

 _Dumb._  
  
“Maybe this is why we never talk about it,” Blue said.

Yellow nodded, slowly.

“You used to just say I loved serving her, that I’m a big sycophant.” She was bad at lightening the mood, at distraction. She was out of it, but expected Blue's response. 

“But that doesn’t work anymore, huh… because it’s true, isn’t it?” Yellow bit her lip. “It was just a fucking joke,” Blue said. “Trying to deal with it… how horrible it was… I didn’t realize you were internalizing everything… you always told me I mattered more than anyone and the diamond were just tyrants to you.”

“Tyrants that could rip us apart with their fingertips,” Yellow said, her voice thin, and Blue’s face darkened.

She didn’t say it, but “That’s not funny” hung in the air. Yellow stared at Blue’s cravat.

She hated herself. She hated that it always felt like this with Blue, her only solace. It was impossible to push it down completely, stupid feelings, stupid thinking.

“Just… remember who we ultimately belong to. I want to be with you forever, I love you so much, Blue. We don’t need to think about it too hard.”

Blue didn’t seem comforted by that. “At what cost? Learning to love being tortured by a sociopath?”

“ _You_ do, don’t you?!”

Yellow’s eyes widened as Blue’s face fell.

She hadn’t meant to say it like that, but she wouldn’t apologize, because there was no need to (and she was Yellow). They needed to talk about _this_ if Blue insisted on talking, they had to… the zircons were often in near silence, but mostly they never talked about how neither of them were the same gems they had been. Blue wasn’t _Blue_ anymore, and Yellow was barely the same gem she’d been when they met. 

Yellow knew her thinking was all jumbled. She spent so much of her time in sheer terror, pretending to be calm and composed, because embracing the will of the diamonds and whatever the authority wanted for them, even shattering, was so much easier than whatever she used to want.

Just Blue. She wanted Blue. Yellow loved Blue so much. This was all for her, wasn’t it?

Yet in spite of that, she was hurting, too, so what was the point? And what was the point if Yellow could hurt the other zircon just by acknowledging what bullshit _everything_ was?  She didn’t want this. Maybe she should have kept her mouth shut, but Blue had composed herself. She was so _strong_ , even at her lowest.

“I… I don’t like it,” she said, ducking her head as Yellow put an apologetic hand on her shoulder. “You know she’s- I can’t deal with it… I just need to go away sometimes.”

It would be selfish for Yellow to say it scared her, so she didn’t say anything.

Blue was ready to talk, though, her fingers resting on Yellow’s, holding the other gem to her shoulder. “You do so much to protect us, to keep us from being shattered. I’m sorry I can’t- I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yellow, you don’t deserve me endangering myself.”

She squeezed Yellow’s hand, and Yellow blinked slowly, before saying, “You could damage your gem.”

Something on Blue’s face softened. “I’m careful, Yellow, I always-“ 

Yellow cut her off. “No, I don’t want to hear how you do it.” She took a breath. “This is why I could never bring it up with you.”

“Yellow…” 

Yellow pulled her arm to her chest when Blue reached for.  
  
“Blue. Please, stop making this about me. I know… I know you care about me. Don’t you know I care about you?” Blue wrung her hands, looking at Yellow with doe eyes.  
  
“I- of course…”

She tried to smile, and Yellow sighed. “I worry about you, okay… sometimes I wonder… the way you act… it’s almost like you’re just looking for an excuse to be shattered.”

“No! I-” Blue stopped herself. “I’m so happy to be with you, Yellow!”  
  
“And…? It’s like you’d die for your work, you’d die for me, or maybe… maybe I’m just an excuse.” Blue shook her head wordlessly. “Like you don’t take risks? Oh stars, Blue, you could damage your gem!”  
  
This time, Yellow let Blue’s hands wrap around her wrists, met her eyes fully.  
  
“I won’t. And you know you mean everything to me, Yellow,” Blue said. She tried to steady herself, then said slowly, “It’s just. Really hard sometimes. And I know things have changed between us, like a lot.”

Blue clenched her jaw and gripped Yellow tighter. “I can’t be what I used to be for you.”

“I never expected you to be anything for me, Blue,” Yellow said. “You’re so soft with me, now… It’s different from how it used to be, but I don’t blame you,” Yellow added. She tiredly dug the heel of her hand into her right eye. 

Blue just looked at her.

“I can’t hurt you anymore,” she said, finally. “It doesn’t feel good, because I don’t know what it does to you.” Her voice lowered, and she looked away from Yellow’s face, her grip on her as tight as ever. 

“You never did anything bad! I liked everything!” Yellow said. “I love you so much, and you used to make it easier, so much easier to deal with everything.” Blue looked at her. “Not that- not that you’re doing anything wrong…”  
  
“Of course I am.” Blue dropped Yellow’s hands and touched her cravat. 

To Yellow, her face was nearly unreadable, her expression soft, a perfect mask of all the anger and despondency she repressed in every facet of her life.  
  
“I’m sorry, Yellow, I just _can’t_ anymore,” Blue said, the cravat twisting in her hands. “You know I’m not strong. I’m not going to be able to pretend to be something that will protect you, ground you… I can’t, I can’t, Yellow…” Her fact crumpled, and Yellow pulled the other zircon close to her.

“You give me a lot,” she said, her voice muffled in Blue’s hair. “And you’re so strong, you’re still here.”

It felt worse to say aloud, like admitting Blue didn’t want to be here, that she wasn’t basically desperate to be shattered to the point that she didn’t care where that left Yellow. Or maybe that wasn’t the case, but Yellow had felt like she was keeping them safe in spite of that nagging thought. If Blue couldn’t say or be the gem she was before all of this escalated, it was basically true, right?

And if that was the case, there was no appeal in appeasing the diamonds. Yellow couldn’t fool herself into thinking she was keeping Blue safe. If anything, she was making things worse. But if she was shattered, surely Blue would be soon to follow.  
  
Some stupid comment in court, or a crime, or harming her gem herself. Yellow shivered, her arms tightening around Blue, and said, “Let’s just stop talking about it; we don’t need this. We don’t need to think to enjoy what we have.”

“Don’t we?” Blue said. “I don’t want to make things worse for you, but I am, right?” 

Yellow clenched her jaw, holding Blue tight. “I’ll make it up to you in court.”

The other gem pulled back slightly to look up at her. She was smiling. “You’re good at deflecting,” she said. “And thinking… a lot better.”  
  
“The trick is: don’t.”  
  
Yellow pulled up a tablet, shaking, and gave Blue a look. 

They would need to go back to their work soon. This had been a waste of time, but then Blue kissed Yellow, closed mouth and fast, nearly missing her mouth, and pulled out a couple of her own tablets.

They were good lawyers, excellent at playing loyal zircons. They’d get through this as long as the diamonds didn’t tire of them and shatter them on a whim. Yellow pored over her case files, calmed by the sounds of Blue’s fingers dragging various files over her screens.

This kind of moment made it worth it, she used to think. Hard work, hiding everything, taking brutality, only to get everything Blue had to give and sit with her in a calm afterward. It wasn’t enough anymore, because Blue wasn’t giving the same thing.  
  
Yellow bit her lip. _Selfish, right?_ She just wanted her lover to be the one poofing her, maybe. Hurt her with malice instead of affectionately, after hours of begging and affection. Not that she did anything cathartic anymore. Did that really make this all meaningless? Yellow hated herself, and she felt stupid for everything, especially given the conversation she’d attempted just a few minutes ago.  
  
She shook her head slightly, not enough to get Blue’s attention. _Stars. Don’t ever fucking say that aloud._  
  
It was her own fault that they were together, Yellow thought to herself, looking over at Blue. Her partner was thoroughly engrossed in her work, cute and intense and-

 _Maybe that’s it._ Yellow’s chest was tight, and she looked back at her screens, deciphering the text there. _Now is a good time to say “I love you,” right?_  

But Blue beat her to the punch. She always did with affection. Yellow felt her hand, light on her upper arm, and Blue’s breath on her ear. “I really love you, Yellow,” the gem said, a small smile on her face, before she dropped her hand and turned back to her work. 

Her face flushing, Yellow scrolled though the text in front of her too quickly and said, “I love you, too,” glancing over at Blue again.  
  
Blue gave her a genuine smile, somehow, and Yellow smiled back, something collapsing inside her. Even tonight, even when things were shitty, even while they were perpetually on death’s door, the defense zircon was her rock, so much stronger and better than she could ever know. How could Yellow help her see that?

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah it ends like that, lmao...
> 
> Sorry that updates have slowed, some personal stuff came up and work got super busy.


End file.
